Choosing to See . . .

I'm not normally a "reader". That doesn't mean that I don't like to read. But being a mother of 4, I find that usually when I try to read a book I either get interrupted or end up asleep--even with the most captivating book. I simply don't have the time or energy to devour books like a lot of my friends. My intentions are good: someone will recommend a book, and I will check it out, download it to our Kindle, and begin reading. But only begin. As I write this, I have 3 books that I'm in the middle of. 


Today our summer team left Kitale. The last 10 college students that remained here drove out of the driveway. This was a hard summer for many reasons, but I absolutely loved having each of those students here, and my life is richer for knowing them. We took pictures, hugged, and exchanged encouraging words as our eyes welled with tears. And 10 minutes after they drove off the compound, I threw out my back. 


Discouraged and in severe pain, I went upstairs to my bedroom while my dear husband held down the fort, helping to get things on the compound in order after a whirlwind summer. 


I laid down on my bed and twisted and turned like a giraffe in a canoe until I was somewhat comfortable. I got our laptop to catch up on email and Facebook. And as fate or Africa or God would have it, our internet was down. ALL day. 


I don't believe that it was a coincidence that my back was out and our internet was down. My only choice: pick up the Kindle. I had just downloaded a new book a few weeks prior that I really wanted to read, but hadn't had the opportunity to start. Forsaking the other 3 half-read books, I dove into the new one. And, in a rare moment in my personal history, I actually read the entire book in one day. ONE day. Most books lately have taken me 6-9 months to finish. I'm not proud of that, but it's just my life. 


God used this book today to speak to my heart and shake up my soul. I spent most of the day in tears, with a few breaks for laughter. Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman was exactly what I needed to read. Her story was candid, real, raw, and saturated with God's love, mercy, grace and healing. 


This summer was difficult living and working in Africa, trying to parent 4 children, manage and mentor 15 college students, minister to our Kenyan friends, and try to keep my marriage somewhat healthy despite having to stay in a separate bedroom from my husband all summer (long story--don't ask). I have felt sorry for myself a lot this summer. I have robbed God of glory that didn't belong to me but to Him, complained to a God who loves me despite my grumbling, and have neglected my First Love. I was only thinking about myself: this sucks. This is hard. I gave up my comfortable, safe life in America for this?! Somehow, in all the chaos of the summer, I slipped up. I failed. Today, this book helped me to realize (maybe for the thousandth time in my life) that it's not about me, and that God is always good, even in the storms of life. My story has absolutely nothing to do with the story of the author, except that we have both faced difficult circumstances, and we have to make a choice to either be selfish, or to Choose to SEE God's plans unfolding in every aspect of our lives, all for His glory; even if it hurts. 


Today hurt. I'm still in pain as I half sit up, trying to type and hold my legs at the right angle to keep from wincing. But today, God used the pain to get me to sit still and finish a book that He is using to continue to change me and teach me. Praise Him. 


"May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself". -James Hudson Taylor